Thursday, January 15, 2015

Tautological Excuses

Opium puts people to sleep due to its "dormitive properties." This was how we used to describe how opium worked on humans. It is, of course, a tautology.

Is a child having difficulty learning math?

It is because he has Developmental Arithmetic Disorder. Let's ignore the fact that math is an artificial construct we must learn and which is not at all natural to the way humans actually think. It doesn't occur to anyone that it is those who know math best who are the weird ones.

Disappointed you didn't win the lottery? Stressed that you did?

You must have Lottery Stress Disorder! Never mind that disappointment is a natural emotion to feel when thing don't go your way. Never mind that all those idiot relatives you never heard of are suddenly coming out of the woodwork are trying to guilt you.

Refusing treatment for circular disorders?

You clearly have Noncompliance with Treatment Disorder (DSM code V15.81). When I was growing up, we just said the person was being bullheaded.

Going to the doctor? Don't show up early, or you'll be diagnosed as anxious. Don't show up late, or you'll be diagnosed as hostile. Don't show up on time, or you'll be diagnosed as compulsive.

Child not playing attention in our boredom factories, I mean, schools?

Your child has Attention Deficit Disorder. (Some no doubt do, but not at the rates we diagnose them.)

Don't believe your child has ADD?

Why, then you have Attention Deficit Disorder Denial Disorder. And I suppose that if you deny you have that, then you would have to have Attention Deficit Disorder Denial Disorder Denial Disorder.

Unhappy for no reason? Perhaps you have Unmediated Depressive Syndrome.

Do you like to drum your fingers on surfaces? You have Percussive Digital Disorder.

Young at heart? You have Peter Pan Syndrome.

But don't worry! For all of these and the irrational feelings you have when you have to deal with having a sadistic boss or cheating spouse or bureaucracy in general, there's a solution. We have a drug for that! Or, and here's an idea, that's just people being people. That's just life. Grow up. Stop complaining that your life is so good and that you are so wealthy that tapping your fingers is a disease!

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